My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“and how does that make you feel?”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.