My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop