MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
so i’m at the stock market right
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.