My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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this is the greatest thing ever
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.