I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
You Might Also Like
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.