My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Tammy is short for Tamuel
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.