@_xLNc: My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
"Why'd you leave ur last job?"
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
@WotDLuck: A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
@fillthevacuum: I just found that there's such a thing as a cheese shop and now I'm changing my vacation plans.
@michaelianblack: Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn't have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don't worry. It's gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn't that a little bit fishy?