@_xLNc: My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
@TheCatWhisprer: gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
@jackiembouvier: I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I'd put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
@davedittell: Jesus hands his iPhone to da Vinci, "hey can you get one of me and my best buds? thanks man! HEY EVERYONE GET ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE"
@ProdigyNelson: Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Lawyer: spell "ICUP"
Judge: *softly* omg
@WilliamAder: Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.