My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
im all 3
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Still a very good boi….