@_xLNc: My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting]
ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha
BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@Blonde4Dayz: H: "Whatcha doing?"
Me: "Going on twitter to hang out."
H: "Twitter is an app, not a place."
Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"
@Amburglar_: Facebook friend: If you can't handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU'RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
@TheSadnesses: [first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
@PortRooster: Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it...