@_xLNc: My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
@karlainvt: Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled "pantry."
@JKNenagh: I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
@MichaelTrying: "He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise."
@joeheenan: I've discovered my home doesn't have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch