My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?