@AntoKenya: My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.