@AntoKenya: My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.
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@juliussharpe: Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?
@GreenishDuck: Was gonna climb over some guy's arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
@ElleOhHell: [at library] ME: Yes, I'd like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe. LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor ME: Get it? L: This is dialog, I'm not reading it
@HatfieldAnne: Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.