@AntoKenya: My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.
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@TheToddWilliams: [robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!
@EliTerry: TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF: 1. Sunset 2. Crashing waves 3. Dad's grave (as casket is lowered) 4. New stepdad's face 5. Quiznos
@M_Hedberg: People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
@SadPeruna: Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways: 1. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK? 2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?