My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me when I wear 4 inch heels