My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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Guilty! 🤪
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.