@Mish3l_Ali: My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
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@FilthyRichmond: I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.
@youngestneil: I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask "are we there yet?" when they're fully aware they now live in a car
@Sir_Strange: I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.