My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks