Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…