@DirtMcTurd: My girlfriend says she's my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing
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@blopt: My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"
@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
@MatCro: [GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
@BeerBatterBeard: You'd think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would've been up for a performance review by now.