MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over