My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
🏙👨🏼
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.