@Try2StopME: My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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@VancityReynolds: The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone's living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
@gerryhallcomedy: A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.