My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Yup!
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?