Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
#Caturday
that wasn’t the question
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.