@GreenSmoke_: My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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@NamestartswithZ: My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.
@LeBearGirdle: [America's Got Talent] Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws? Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time