My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*offers Batman cough drops*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
OMG 🤣🤣
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.