My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Ape together strong
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.