My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I created you as mosquito food.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.