@lazerdoov: My girlfriend told me she's "spotting" and I'm like yeah right for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs lol
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@GrillinChillin9: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Mexican food before wine, no 69.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I dreamt I was being murdered. Me: Was I the one who was murdering you? Her: No. Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
@fro_vo: Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then
@panmidwest: HER: so what do you do? ME: i'm a mathemagician HER: you mean a mathematician? ME: [divides by zero] no