My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
i- i did not expect this
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.