@AndLive2Love: My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
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@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho
@MythicPicnic: Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
@dogboner: in the rental car today and my son said it was like we were in a "rocket ship" how many rocket ships have you been in. That's what I thought
@mjkspeaks: [call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.