My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.