@AndLive2Love: My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
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@audipenny: Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
@david8hughes: I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald's bathroom. I'm up $405 or whatever.
@T_Bonezzz: If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground
@PaperWash: [stranded on Mars journal] day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days day 2: I ate rob