My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Thoughts
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind