@daemonic3: My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
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@bourgeoisalien: cat 911: hello cat: i need to report a murder cat 911: kevin, is this you again cat: yes cat 911: what did we tell you kevin cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
@NewDadNotes: Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend
@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant ME: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad WIFE: Second: No you're not