@daemonic3: My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
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@moiragallaga: First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
@SonOfCha: Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is "swinging a mean stick", so look out, ladies. He's back.
@SeanINCypress: Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
@Writethatdown12: Trainer: "ok, lets warm up 1st....wait, where are you going!?" Me: "tanning bed"