My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
car not found
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Found my door mat
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle