that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers