Lassie, get help!
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Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.