My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
You Might Also Like
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
lol
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic