You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
How it started: How it’s going:
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop