Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…