My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.