We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*