Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Yup
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
True
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.