My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Catering service
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Teach your children to beatbox
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best