“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You learn something every day
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season