I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.