My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight