Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.