ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Air conditioning – not a fan
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.