My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
lmao
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.