[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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No Google it does not
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Growing up was a huge mistake
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.