@MountainDouche: My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.
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@SufficientCharm: My man wants me to understand him better so I'm not getting my mustache waxed this month.
@DurtMcHurtt: Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
@Adam14: Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh... 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
@olerunkbitch: I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.