The glory of fall.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
At Walmart during the holidays like..
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.