My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie