My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
(Jupiter –
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
This fish is cracking me up
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.