If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me recordaron éste meme
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.