I think they could have phrased this better
You Might Also Like
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.