professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
scrabbled eggs
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave