My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky