@joeldanger: My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I'm working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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@zachreinert03: I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it's cause family day never really took off
@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@Darlainky: -That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it? -Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.