“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know