Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
can’t bark with your mouth full
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants